A few years ago (when this blog was full of posts that have since been deleted due to a major turn-around in my life), I wrote a post about the “Old Man.” I was stunned at that time to find myself in a position of having to lay down a toxic self, and become renewed once again by God. It wasn’t my first turn-around, and I hadn’t expected to ever make one again after the one that was my first.
In my youth I had had many small turn-arounds, but it wasn’t until I found myself pregnant and abandoned at age 18 that my life took a complete turn from one way of living to another. Naively, I had the feeling at that time that that turn-around was going to be the only one in my life. I never anticipated having to stop in my tracks again, and go through a serious overhaul of my life. I believed that walking with God fervently would prevent such a thing in the future. But it hadn’t. I discovered that walking fervently with God isn’t as easy as I thought it would be when I first set out to do it.
So, back to a few years ago when I first blogged about the “Old Man.” I had thought I was on fire for God and moving along steadily in his will for me, when suddenly I had to turn around and face what my life had become… and a lot of it wasn’t very pretty.
Today, thankfully, I am not making another such overhaul. Yet I am reflecting on the idea of laying down part of myself, the “Old Woman” as it were, as I adjust to some recent changes in my life.
I really thought, when I was young and unseasoned, that unless a person completely backslid away from God and into a life of worldly, or otherwise selfish pursuit, they wouldn’t again have an “Old Man” to lay down. I really thought there was a black and a white, an on and an off, a with-God and a without-God, so that if I chose to walk away from him I’d develop a self to lay down, but otherwise, I wouldn’t.
That has so not been the case with me. I suspect it’s not the case with anyone. After all, they don’t say the church is full of hypocrites for nothing. We know the most gracious, merciful, loving entity in the world, we fill our hearts with him and sing his praises and seek to spend our lives with and for him, and yet we continue to fall on our faces in sin and shame. We hurt people, we say mean things, we drink too much, we swear, we lie, cheat and steal, and we watch rated-R movies (my husband and I rarely do that, but we have seen many… we just watched Gladiator with the kids last month for educational purposes, and we’re not ashamed!).
So, today, as I wonder aloud at having to lay down some pretty large parts of myself, I am thinking about that “Old Woman.” May she rest in peace, and never return. May her corpse fertilize the field she lies in, and bring about beautiful flowers and grasses and seed-bearing fruits to grace all who come near. May the memory of her bring spring rain upon the field, making it grow stronger and more beautiful, even if it is in the form of shed tears. May her memory bring renewed humility and sensitivity to this heart of mine, enabling me to love more carefully and genuinely from here out. And may her sacrifice prove to be the oil that flows over me, anointing me further unto the Lord than ever before, cleansing me and healing me, as I become a more whole woman, and human being in general.
Thank you, God, for never leaving nor forsaking me. You truly have my back, even as you live in my heart. How beautiful are you.